Randomness: Pure and Undefiled
by Daisukeismyboyfriend
Summary: Just what the title says. Pairings are absolutely random. Taco. Rated T because I rate stuff T.


**Randomness? You Betcha.**

**This is my first Twilight fic. Woot. I haven't read New Moon or Eclipse yet, but I love Edward, and Jakey, and everyone…except Bella. RAWR, she stole my sparkly lion-eating hubby! How DARE her!**

**I'm going to attempt to write in third person, since I absolutely suck at writing in first person. I'm in eternal awe of those of you who actually can pull off a good plot with first person writing. **

**Warning. There is randomness in this story. Be warned.**

**How much randomness, you ask? **

**Too, too much.**

**---**

It was a bright and sunny day in Forks when Bella woke up. "Ah. Sun." she exclaimed, less-than-thrilled. Charlie had long since gone "fishing" with his "buddies," and so Bella was able to do whatever she wanted.

First, however, she fell down the stairs. "Dammit," she said to herself, looking up at the ceiling through a black eye. "It's Whimsical Tuesday."

Whimsical Tuesdays are a good day to stay in bed. Why? Because on Whimsical Tuesdays, bad things just tend to happen.

_RRIIIINNNNGGGGG._

"Damn telephone!" yelled Edward, sliding down the banister.

"Nooo!!! I've got it!" yelled Alice, using her superhumanvampireish speed to zoom over to the phone and answer it with a hurried "Helloyou'vereachedtheCullensthisisAlicewho'scallingplease?"

"Hi, Alice! It's Bella!"

There was a collective gasp as Rosalie ran naked across the stairwell singing "Thnks fr th mmrs" repeatedly.

Emmett drooled until he remembered that he was crossstiching a tomato.For some reason, Esme ran over to Alice, took the phone, and began babbling to Bella about socks.

Edward couldn't take all the random stuff, so ran outside, battled the hordes of tacos that attempted to eat him alive, and ran, using his freakishly fast vampire powers, all the way to Bella's house.

Charlie answered the door. "Who the hell are you?" (Yes, I know he should have been out fishing, but this is a Whimsical Tuesday, where plot blunders are allowed. Deal with it.)

"I'm Bella's boyfriend. Edward." He held out his hand to shake, but Charlie just stared at it like it was a rather revolting fish.

"Oh, Edward!" shrieked Bella, coming down the stairs.

"Bella, I didn't know you had a boyfriend."

"I told you I had one back in Twilight. Get a grip, Char- Dad!"

"Gaspeth…Oh no you didant!"

"Oh yes, I did. Build a bridge and go over it."

Edward was still standing there, and suddenly Jacob Black ran over and yelled "BLAH!" much to his chagrin.

Jakey (yes, his pet name…muahah) did the waltz in front of Charlie, causing all the collective fangirls who were worshipping Edward to pass out from the werewolf-ness.

Somewhere in Alaska, a polar bear tap danced.

Back to Jakey. "Hi, Mr. Charlie-dude!"

"Hi, Jake."

Edward was inching down the patio stairs by now, so Bella ran over, jumped on his shoulders, and shouted "MUSH!"

And off they ran, the Dynamic Non-Vampire-But-Also-Some-Vampire-Yes-Sirree-Indeed Duo…into the woods.

Which reminds me…

"I wish…"

"More than anything…"

"I wish to go to the festival…"

Oh, dear. It's a horrible thing when the authoress has been cast as a cow in the unfortunate spring musical, but it's more horrible when she daydreams during a very epically random story. Onward, and back to the main characters, and their fangirls…

Edward stopped underneath a big tree, let Bella down, and let her puke her guts out behind some bushes. "You okay?"

"_Yeah, SURE._"

"Why are you suddenly talking in italics?"

"Because I was being sarcastic."

"I see, Bella-Wella."

Suddenly Edward was momentarily blinded by a well-aimed Super High Voltage Death Glare (SHVDG for short). "Okay, no more pet names. I get it."

"GOOSE!" yelled Mike, running in with a football tucked underneath his armpit.

Bella paid no attention to her hubby-to-be's biggest rival (besides, of course, the ever-menacing Volturi), and carried on puking. Or Technicolor yawning. Or…well, there's a lot of ways to say that she was tossing her cookies, but that would take a long time to write them all out. So back to Mike and whoever.

"'Sup." Said Edward, giving Mike the Forks Gang Sign.

"Yo, dude." Said Mike, giving Edward the VI Massive Gang Sign.

"RAWR!!!" screeched Alice, giving the Insane-Psychic-Vampire Gang Sign.

And then they all went in the same hot tub, had showers, and went to bed early.

Riiiight.

Alice then proceeded to ambush Jasper and make out with him, which wasn't really making out, more like slapping her tongue on his face. Jasper then lived in perpetual fear of the being he called "Alice's Kiss." Kinda like the Dementor's Kiss. He never got over it, and when he turned 200, he ran away from the Cullens and set up a woodworking shop in Yellowknife, where he put a handkerchief over his mouth and never took it off.

Alice never tried to kiss him again.

Back to the present.

"What's happenin'?" Alice asked, petting the now shaking Bella.

"Um, I was greeting Mike with the Forks Gang Sign."

"So _that's_ what it is."

Suddenly Bella perked up. "Hey, I think I hear something."

"MOOSEN!" yelled Mike, who ran off into the trees. And then hit an oak. And fell down. And twitched a little.

"Oh dear." Said Edward, completely non-caring. "I wonder who's coming?"

Suddenly a bunch of werewolves came out from behind a fern and yelled "WASABI!"

"Gaspeth!" chorused the three.

"We have come to take…YOUR COOKIES!!!" With this pronouncement came a hysterical laughing segment that lasted almost ten minutes. It scared Edward and Bella, somewhat, and they sweatdropped profusely.

"Moo." said Milky-White. But no one cared.

Finally the werewolves realized that it wasn't that funny in the first place, stopped laughing, and went off in search of the cookies.

---

**And that is where our chapter ends.**

**Will the werewolves ever find the mysterious cookies? Will Jacob ever get over the fact that BELLA DOESN'T LIKE HIM?!? And will Jasper ever go back to normal?**

**All this and more, if you review.**

**Wasn't expecting that, were you? Aha! It sneaked up on you, didn't it? Well, that's the point!**

**AYAME!**

**REVIEW!**

**Flames will be used to light bonfires. Bonfires will be used to cook turduckens. Turduckens will be eaten.**


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